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Natalie

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[25 Sep 2005|11:11pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Typically, I never identify with those gushy, "Live life to the fullest..." quotes people put in their profile. However, in the past week, this one seemed to get to me:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others hearts. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll cry because time is flying by, and you'll eventually lose somebody you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely and love like you've never been hurt..Cause every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back . . .

Tomorrow marks one week since Dan's suicide. I thought I would make it through today without shedding any more tears, but I've grown tired of trying to occupy my mind (& my credit card) with other things, and I find myself sitting here again with my thoughts, consumed with memories of him. I've forgiven myself for not returning his phone call, but it's hard not to sit and think of the what-ifs and what-might've-beens... I feel like a detective trying to put his last moments together, and attempting to discover exactly what he was feeling - all the while knowing that I will probably never experience that kind of pain therefore making it impossible to identify with his situation. When you meet someone at 15, you think you'll know them forever, and at that starting point your lives begin to intertwine... and at some point life just catches up with you.

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[14 Aug 2005|10:50pm]
I feel the onset of some crushes... hmmm :) Possible details to come soon.

Nick- you rule. Thanks for helping me lift my bed. :)
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[11 Aug 2005|11:38pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Confused about life.

Maybe it's just pre-graduation fears? ...and knowing that I really only have one semester to be the drunken, party animal college student I've never been that people expect one to be... Do I have regrets about college? What do I really want to do with my life? Do I really want to go to Mexico in the Spring? Am I grad school material? Why is it I don't give a shit about what other people think except when it comes to fights with Lindsay? ... Is this just a recycling of junior high fears? ugh.

So many questions.

Such a weird week.

I felt like I was in the twilight zone last weekend. I actually thought for a moment that it would be nice to move back to B.C. and live in one of the cute houses near Carroll Park... and maybe run like a girl scout troop or something, and have family night dinners at my parent's house- like I had at my grandma's growing up. JC what's wrong with me? In my 22 years of existance, I've never contemplated moving home.

On a side note, I move back to the dorms tomorrow.

So far college has been flip flopped: bad year, good year, bad year, great year... if the sequence continues, I'm in for not such a hot time... but I need to think positive.

It's going to be weird returning to the safety of my little boxy home without Jenni and Adam there. There are friends in my past that I really miss right now. The good ones, who've always been there. Why is it I fall into the trap of being friends with leachy, self-centered, shitheads?

P.S. I wish someone would have told me in high school, that the nicest people after high school are the band kids. I regret being so snotty during band senior year.

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[11 Aug 2005|10:00pm]

Your Aura is Purple


Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great.



You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a man who sees your vision and adopts it as his own.



Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.


What Color Is Your Aura? Take This Quiz :-)



Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



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Many, many things... [09 Jan 2005|11:16pm]
I am finally updating!

I: There is no such thing as a, “sign.” I am just over-observant.

II: Cheers to a new semester and possible Aussie friends

III: 2005: a year for recycling goals


I: There is history to this section. While visiting my sister last week in D.C., I met the most wonderful boy. (I realize I’ve said this often, but trust me this time.) However, after an amazing night (Don’t worry- I’m no whore; I did not sleep with him) he got my number yet never called. I was in town for the rest of the week, which would leave plenty of time for meeting up. Honestly… I was disappointed. However, according to Glamour he could have
A.) Gotten his cell phone wet, and not been able to turn it on… so he would not be able to retrieve my number.
B.) Been afraid to call. There is such thing as caller I.D. now- so he couldn’t just hang up in his nervousness.
C.) Been afraid of becoming involved with a tourist.

Personally, I find solace in option A. So I think I’m just going to go with that.

However, this situation has lead me to believe that I have an idealistic view of relationships and men, and also that there is no such thing as fate. Realistically, I was probably just an easy target for some ass. Aside from that, fate does not exist for the following reasons.

One, the guy was from Rochester, NY. The next day, I attended a Christmas party with my sister at the home of a friend. I went to get a soda from the fridge, and low-and-behold… right in front of my face was a magnet of the state of NY with ROCHESTER in bold letters with a heart next to it. No other city names were listed. Just Rochester. Fate? Doubt it.

Two, as I was flying out from D.C. and the night and guy kept running through my head… I walked to my terminal and right next to the flight to Bay City was a flight to… ROCHESTER. Coincidence? Perhaps.

Third, as I was thinking how pissed I was he never called… and thinking what a bunch of crap the idea of, “fate,” was… I turned on my t.v. for the first time since being back in my dorm room… what was on t.v.? SERENDIPITY- A movie about couple reunite years after the night they first met, fell in love, and separated, convinced that one day they'd end up together. Hhhhmmmm…. Any woman in her right mind (who also enjoys sappy movies) would believe that these were signs that he would call.


I guess only time will tell. But I doubt fate, and the realist in me says I will never see this guy again. However, if I move to D.C. this summer… I am going back to that bar. It was his favorite. Haha… Maybe “fate” will allow us to bump into each other once again. The ass still should have called though.




II: I love the feeling of endless possibility that comes with a new semester. I was somewhat nervous about returning to McDonel hall this semester… since so many of my friends returned to their home countries. However, I think this semester has the potential to be even better. Tonight I went to dinner with many of the new int’ls. The girls from Australia are awesome. They are so fun! I think we have very similar personalities. I also really like this girl named, Patti from Mexico.

In addition to new friends, the books for my classes look interesting. I am not accepting anything lower than the Dean’s List again this semester. My classes should be fun, yet challenging. I am a bit pissed that they moved some around on me though. Now, I have class all day on Tuesday and Thursday. At least I won’t have to rush from work on M W F. Still… urgh.

Oh, also- former crush-who-kissed-my-friend-who-liked-him-and-wasn’t-honest-with-me-that-she-had-a-thing-for-him-too, said hello to me tonight in the lobby. He did the normal chit-chat thing… the conversation was a bit forced (I felt at least). He said he would stop down later. I was not here. Grrr to him still. I think I’m going to let him be my friend though.





III: This year I will say no to people. I will also continue eating healthy and working out more frequently. 63 will continue to grow. I will also not stress about graduate school. Yay, 2005.

However, I hope no more people get engaged. I can’t deal with anymore pressure. lol.
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[07 Oct 2004|10:59am]
I honestly have the greatest friends in the entire world!
This year is turning out to be one of the best- even though some of my favorite MSU people aren't around as much. (ahem, Nick :))

Either way,

I found out today that I was selected for Homecoming Court! I am very excited!
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[21 Sep 2004|12:56am]
Speaking of the earlier post- he just knocked on my window.

See? He always surprises me, and catches me off guard!

At least he was the last person that I saw tonight... Doesn't that increase the probability of me dreaming of him? *sigh*
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[21 Sep 2004|12:48am]
Is it bad that ALL i can think about are English accents and really tight, green pants from diesel?

God, I feel like I am in Jr. High again! Isn't there an age limit when you're no longer supposed to get crushes like this?

I sit in class, and my mind wanders and I think of every connection, conversation, or cute smirk...

If every night could be Thursday, August 26th- I would be happy and satisfied forever.
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[10 Sep 2004|03:34am]
Is this what college is supposed to feel like?

I have had more memorable moments, feelings of academic accomplishment, and feelings of acceptance in the last three weeks than in the last three mediocre years here at MSU.

I love my life.

I love McDonel Hall.

I love my group of friends.

I never want this feeling to end...
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[27 Aug 2004|08:52pm]
...And yet again I am experiencing a case of butterflies.

This time it is not over a Cuban, or a random at the mall... but it is due to the flock of British Blokes that now reside on my floor.

I am almost positive that the one I have a crush on is aware of my feelings, but one can never really tell. He showed up at my door last night after we got back from bumming around East Lansing. He said that he, "Couldn't sleep." hmmm- sounds fishy.

Needless to say, my secret dream of making out and spending the night with a British guy has now come true (Nothing dirty happened, no worries). :) -But- this is potentially bad due to the fact he lives on the male side of my floor... And also because now I am really infatuated with him, and there is a possibility he really isn't all that interested. hmmm... what to do.

Either way- if you're interested in hearing his pretty accent, he recorded my voicemail for me. :) Call away...
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I am a dumbass. [21 Jul 2004|11:30pm]
Tonight after work, I stopped to Great Lakes Crossing... and as I was walking along after buying these really cute candles in martini glasses (you have to see them :)) A guy with really pretty eyes approached me to tell me about some contest he was in. Apparently he has to earn points by selling magazines, blah blah blah. By the time we were done, I was blinded by his really gorgeous green eyes and I was also out $68.

Why can I not have any self control around guys that I find attractive?

Speaking of which- the other intern I've been working with looks a lot like my Cuban fling... well, except he's a bit more ghetto. Still, though. I sound so stupid laughing at everything. Yesterday- The weird old guy(more to come on him, the other intern, and the two new agents (one of which I have a crush on and is from NY) all went to lunch. It was chinese, and it was nice because I didn't have to pay! However, I was seated between the hot new agent and the other intern who I find cute because he reminds me of the Cuban. (Have I lost you yet?) :) Anyway- It was so embarassing because we all had to go around the table and read our fortunes. Mine was, "You are attracted to an older, wiser, and more experienced man." I turned purple- I swear. lol.. After that, on the way out I slipped on the wet floor (there was no sign!). I seriously fell flat on my face. I was so embarassed.

Outside of my daily encounters with the opposite sex...

-I am officially down 41.5 on the SBD. Go Me. :)

-I bought Dirty Dancing Havana Nights and watched it twice last night. It's very cheesy and the acting is bad. You can tell the movie was not shot in Cuba, but it's kind of funny because they show random shots of Cuban scenery. Either way it made me sad because it brought back great memories of my three weeks there. I miss all of my Cubanos. I can't wait for school to start.

-I am dying to salsa dance. I have put my sister on a mission to find somewhere in D.C. to salsa. I will hopefully be visiting her before the end of summer.. and if I can't find someone to dance with at the club, she knows that I have first dibs on her Haitian boyfriend. :)

-My job is awesome, and I hope I can talk them into keeping me on for the fall. I got my first paycheck, and I about crapped my pants. I have never received a check for that much money before!
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Good Point! [21 Jul 2004|11:28pm]
"If the government wants to defend the sanctity of marriage, it should ban celebrity weddings."
--Random TV Pundit
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Hell has frozen over... but I'm not cold, I'm on F I R E! :) [03 Jul 2004|12:10pm]
[ mood | patriotic ]

As many of you may know, Bay City has a rather large 4th of July Festival. You're also aware of the fact that I am busting at the seams with Bay-Pride. (SarahFo knows this all too well :)) Keeping with tradition, I decided to head home again this weekend to be a tourist in my own town. :)

Last night after I watched the fireworks with my parents (which was weird since I haven't gone down to the park with them since I was 8), I got a call from Lindsay and met up with her and Mike at Lucky's. After a quick crawl down to the Rat to meet Sean, we went back to Lucky's/Westown again. I ran into a lot of people from high school... AND, my crush from junior high. I was obsessed with this kid. He sat next to me in band class (he was a year older :), but I was really good at the trumpet- so it all worked out). My friend, K- who was also there, was talking to him. So I marched up, and said hello. We all chatted, and then he bought me a drink! (Which was weird because that never happens in Bay City... Hell must have frozen over because I never get drinks bought for me here). I also got a big hug, and he kept putting his arm around me. If only this could have happened when I was 13. Eight years too late. Damnit!

On top of that, we ran into this kid that Lindsay dated in high school. He can be nice at times, but also full of himself. Anyway- he just graduated from college, and he had some of his college friends home with him. One- who was an investment broker or trader (i think? I dunno- some fancy title) also bought me a drink. Apparently, "We were meant to meet because we both went to Big Ten schools." <-- If that isn't the worst line I've ever heard. Either way, it was still cool. lol...

I am going to attribute last night's success to the SBD, and the 38.5 I'm down. :) What fuel to keep going!

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In honor of Bush's Bullshit Policy [01 Jul 2004|12:52am]
In a letter to The Miami Herald titled "Cubans for Kerry," a Cuban-American from Miami, Maria Kramer, wrote: "Many Cubans realize that Cuba policy has not fared better under Republicans. Unless someone discovers that sugar cane can be converted in oil, Cuba is not going to be liberated."


Election-Year Cuba Policy

Published: June 27, 2004

It is outrageous that the people of a communist nation have just been told they can see their relatives living outside the country only once every three years. Not only that, the types of items and amounts of money they can receive from overseas will also be curtailed, along with their exposure to visitors on cultural and academic exchanges.

What's most outrageous, however, is that the government ordering this crackdown is the Bush administration, not the communist regime in Havana. America's policy, followed for decades, of trying to force change in Cuba by means of an economic embargo has been an abject failure, but the administration is about to embrace it with renewed gusto.

The notion that further isolating Cuba will weaken Fidel Castro's dictatorial grip is belied by both history and America's approach to other totalitarian societies. Washington has long operated on the view that the more we engage these countries and inundate them with American culture, the more irresistible they will find freedom. Even many Republicans now feel this is the approach to be taken with Havana, too, which is why Congress voted last year to lift the broader ban on all travel to Cuba. The Cuba item was dropped, at the White House's request, in a last-minute reconciliation of Senate and House versions of a larger bill.

Now the administration is pulling, once again, in the opposite direction, to tighten the embargo, perhaps more interested in solidifying the Republicans' Cuban-American base in Florida than in forcing real change in Cuba. In that sense, Cuba is simply a different kind of red state looming large in this year's presidential election.

The toughened policy, which cynically victimizes families, will backfire over time. Polls show that about half the Cuban-American community in Florida resents the intrusive new sanctions. But this split within the Cuban-American community has not yet registered at the polls, because those advocating a tougher embargo are older, from the waves of exiles who arrived in the United States in the 1960's and 1970's, and are far more likely to vote. They are offended that supposed political exiles feel free to go back and forth to their old country. In many cases, they can afford to feel that way because they are less likely to have close relatives still in Cuba. When the more recently arrived Cuban-Americans become a political force in Florida, the odds of a more effective American policy toward Havana will increase substantially.
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TBS- not very funny [01 Jul 2004|12:14am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Tonight, a travesty occurred. TBS edited an episode of Sex and the City so much it was no longer funny! Since when can you not say, "Up the butt girl," on tv? They ruined one of the top 5 Sex and the City moments.
Shame on you, TBS!


In other news... I was driving behind a camel on the expressway today. It kept smiling at me. While this was happening, the song 500 miles by the Pretenders (? i think?) came on.

You know you need to add some more action to your life when the highlight of your day is a camel and cheesy music. I think I am in need of a weekend. :)

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Forbidden Lov...nah, Lust? Friendship? [28 Jun 2004|10:43pm]
[ mood | content ]

Tonight, after being completely frustrated with the phone the past few weeks, I finally reached Cuba on the telephone. I have been trying to call back after the infamous, "Collect call," many of you have heard about.

Anyway, I spoke with Junier's mom... and I actually was able to mutter out a couple of correct sentences in Spanish! She was very nice this time-due to the fact that I finally had the guts to explain who I was and was actually understood! There were chickens clucking in the background, and it sounded like lots of action. I was jealous upon hearing the noises- I miss that life! Don't get me wrong, I am completely appreciative of everything I have here, and all of the opportunities I have this summer, but I miss the freedom I had there... and the constant learning and new experiences. While on the phone, his mother explained that he was at his grandmother's house and she proceeded to slowly give me numbers. I repeated them and made it sound like I was writing them down- but I had no intentions of calling a relative's home. I have a hard enough time calling HIS house. Can you imagine some 80 yr. old Spanish-speaking person, who can barely hear, answering the phone and trying to hold a conversation with some gringa? Yeah- I didn't think so either. :) I was happy that his mother was finally able to understand me, but I was upset that I still haven't been able to speak to him!

So I decided to go to BestBuy and look at Spanish CDs(this is going to be my new method for trying to learn the language :)) I found the CD that had, "Antes," (Which some of you that have heard the entire boy saga story may remember was our song. lol), so I bought it.

Just then... My cell phone rang, and my mom said that someone tried calling me collect again from Cuba. My mother, who sounded irritated with this fact, was not very amused. She has had a hard enough time with my sister being infatuated with a Haitian. :) (She'll get over it, I'm sure). So I made up some excuse about being in the store and calling her back- and I ran out to my car with my purchases as fast as I could. I dialed quickly to Cuba, and had only 10 minutes left on my phone card.

FINALLY- I reached him. finally, finally, finally!
The first thing he said was that he has thought about me every day since I left the island. He also wants me to come back. He then explained that he made friends with someone studying abroad from Hawaii- and he is sending a letter for me back with that person so he can mail it in the United States.

I think this situation isn't so much about the fact that I did have a crush on this boy, it just seems to make the whole thing worth it. I wasn't just some tourist that he hit on. I guess one has that fear after leaving a country like that... but I think it may have actually been sincere. I can tell he's been practicing his English, too. It sounded a little better :) Perhaps, like me, he's been running this conversation through his head for a few weeks, too :)

Either way, whether this is healthy for my emotions or not- I am a pretty happy girl tonight. I feel content, and that a part of me can move on a bit because my emotions are no longer lingering in that grey space. I know that what happened in Cuba was semi-real. :)

Okay, enough for tonight. :)

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Very fitting [27 Jun 2004|12:11pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy.
::Jean Anouilh::

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Questions, Jettas, telephono, and more! [23 Jun 2004|11:14pm]
SarahFo- Call me back, darnit!

Jamie- I saw a shirt on sale at Meijer today for $5.99. It said, "Uber," on the front. I thought of you... It's your word :)

Nick- Are you still in Abbott? (From now on, I'm going to just double both letters because I can't remember which is the st., and which is the building!) I'd like to call!

SarahFo and Nick- Have you guys talked to Cam? I have to call her back... but I believe she's coming to Michigan in July. Are we all going to get together?? :) (fingers crossed?)

This is so much easier than sending emails!:)

My neighborhood in Lake Orion smells like childhood. I love it! My job is awesome, too! I have lots I want to share about it! Some things I can, and other things I can't. However, this info is saved for face to face talk!:)


Also...(and this is great news because before I buy an audi some day, I will be driving a black jetta. You remember, Nick- "Nothing says, 'I just graduated from college and I'm going to be successful,' like a black jetta." :)Anyway, my point: My cousin-in-law works for Audi/Volkswagon, and he was telling me about this girl who fell asleep while driving her brand new jetta last week. Anyway, she crashed into a wall and completely ruined her car. BUT, she got out and walked away completely fine! So now, not only will my future jetta spell success, but it will be screaming SAFETY! :)

Phone cards were on sale at target today. I broke down, bought one, and attempted to call Cuba. No answer. It's for the better. I should have put a letter in the mail... at least that way I wouldn't feel so guilty- or better yet I could live with myself when a sappy love song comes on the radio(They play a lot of Boston and journey on Detroit Radio stations).
Stupid embargo.

Okay, enough random thoughts. Time for bed... This adult schedule is killing my love of staying up late at night.

No matter how much I write in here... I can't get the hang of this, "Journal writing," thing. How do you guys do it? I'm going to have to start setting up my entries like a paper :)
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Note to self... [19 Jun 2004|05:43pm]
Progresso Black Beans and brown rice do not taste good.

y u c k
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[10 Jun 2004|01:26am]
[ mood | tired ]

Tonight while trying to find a 7-11 with Diet Pepsi slurpees, the Blue Oyster Cult song, "Don't Fear the Reaper," came on! I've never heard this song before it was played during karaoke at Las Brisas in Cuba.

I miss Cuba.

I should actually sit down and write some of the great memories or stories I have from the trip... I'm just too lazy. One of these days...

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS:

My parents are getting old. My mother has never really looked old, but I was staring at her face today and and her age is really starting to show! It's scary!

Speaking of my mother, she made a funny comment in the car today. We were talking about my grandparents and their age (because my uncle's wife's mother just passed away) and my mom said, "Don't worry about grandpa and grandma... they're pretty much pickled anyway because of all the alcohol they drink." Guess you had to be there. :) If you knew my grandparents, I think you'd find it funny.

I f i n a l l y saw 13 going on 30 yesterday. Very cute movie- definitely something I would pick up on DVD. It's a bit cheesy, but it does put some things in perspective. Who would have thought I'd find direction in a B-rated Jennifer Garner film?

I really can't wait for Dirty Dancing Havana Nights to come out on DVD. It'll probably be incredibly stupid, but I will be able to relate to it I'm sure.

My sister has Friday off of work (RIP President Reagan) so she decided to come home! I am really excited. She's driving down to Detroit with me on Sunday.

I am thinking that next summer's adventure will be to Argentina. I don't want to study abroad in Europe... I'd rather just travel there when I graduate. Study Abroad trips in Latin American are like half the price of European trips.

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